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Hard Times Flying well beneath the radar during this Laci-Iraqi-blackout-recall summer was the deal signed between pharmaceutical giant GlaxoSmithKline and the National Football League to promote Levitra, a little blue diamond-shaped pill that some say will deflate Viagra, its major competitor. Apparently, the deal was consensual. Not that there aren’t millions of men who legitimately need a little help at the goal line. It’s just that this seems like the worst marketing mismatch since Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley. We might as well have Mike Tyson host a beauty pageant or Martha Stewart selling Cingular Wireless. Soon, all the major revenue sports will be lining up to see who has the biggest erectile dysfunction pharmaceutical deal. Exactly how much money would it take to get a Latino superstar athlete to admit publicly that he has trouble getting aroused? Only Pfizer and Rafael Palmeiro know for sure. Palmeiro is known in some circles as Spanish Fly. With 100-million-dollar payroll clubs finishing ten-plus games out of the wild card race and teams like the Expos wandering the globe to audiences too small to create a buzz in the studio of Jeopardy, Major League Baseball itself can’t be far behind. Of course, the commissioner’s office had better consult their Physician’s Desk Reference first to see what are the effects of mixing Viagra and androstenedione. But it’s only a matter of time before we see Viagra giveaway day at the ball park. Fifty thousand fans will be up for that one, though it may be the last time some of them ever stand during the seventh inning stretch. Meanwhile, baseball groupies throughout the land will forever wonder whether their encounters were genuine or if the bat was corked. Then there’s the NBA, which stands for Naughty Behavior Association, No Boys Allowed, or Nitwits Being Arrested, depending on whom you ask. The NBA’s drug of choice ought to be saltpeter. Whether it’s Glenn Robinson beating up his little girl’s mom, Gary Payton losing it outside an adult entertainment club, or Alan Iverson hunting down his woman with a piece, the NBA needs a sexual stimulant like California needs wannabes. This is a league where everyone can jam. In his day, even Mugsy Bogues could throw it down. Nonetheless, with companies like Merck spending billions in advertising, the money is just too good. Unfortunately, the ideal spokesperson for Viagra has already left the building. Wilt the Stilt, we hardly knew ye. Then again, there’s always Magic Johnson. The truth is, bigtime sports and sexual stimulants go together like Pete Rose and Foxwoods. If these two behemoths are allowed to consummate on national television, we’re looking at the next big bang. Forget side effects like nausea, vomiting, halitosis, headaches, gastrointestinal cramps, liver damage, and renal failure. The disclaimer for Levitra ought to include Miranda rights. But bet on the federal government to go soft on this one. When you take a long, hard look at the dilemma, one thing is clear—there needs to be an entirely separate series of FDA-mandated tests before drugs like these are approved for athletes from major professional sports. Send an experimental group of Jim Druckenmiller down to spring break hopped up on Levitra and a control group of Ray Lewis to a strip club with a placebo consisting of the usual assortment of steroids. Count arrests and submit the results for peer review. Of course, sticking it to pro sports alone is hardly fair. After running one of the most limp presidential campaigns in American history, Bob Dole struck a blow for retired impotent statesmen everywhere. Since then, the floodgates have opened. Viagra is now ecstasy for baby boomers. Levitra is the date-rape drug you slip into your own drink. Yet another player, Cialis, may be approved later this year, creating a sort of three-way. And the research continues in our drug-crazed society. There is now real medical hope that, by manipulating serotonin levels in the brain, the complex, elusive emotional and psychological aspects of sex, relationships, and self-confidence can be bypassed entirely. To normal, sexually challenged men, I say if you want to invigorate your lifestyle, try peeling yourself away from the third repeat of Sportscenter and remembering that your wife is a sentient being on the planet Earth. And to the money jocks, I say erectile dysfunction may be exactly what bigtime professional sports needs. Just ask Kobe Bryant. Click here to rant back. |