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Won’t Get Fooled Again, Part I I hate to break it to you, Mr. Nader, but being President of the United States may not be for you. You have to wear clean, uncrumpled suits. You have to move out of the studio apartment, get a ranch, and take month-long vacations. You have to dance at gala balls and remove the pen protector from your front shirt pocket. It’ll be hard to enjoy a quiet evening at home sipping Yoo-hoo and reading the Federal Register with the Secret Service watching your every move. Anyway, these days you need some combat experience to be a serious contender for the Presidency, and shouting matches with lobbyists in the Capitol building hallway don’t count. Yes, we know all about the evils of corporate welfare, but can you find Pakistan on a map? And another thing. If you want to be President, get yourself a first lady. Or a first man. Last time I looked, no one had made the jump from consumer advocate to Commander-in-Chief. In fact, last time I looked, no one had made the jump from consumer advocate to county solicitor. The only person in the last century to attain the Presidency as his first elected office was Dwight David Eisenhower. If you win a world war, let me know. But for now, I’ve got bigger issues than extra service fees on my checking account. If you want so badly to give back to the country, suck up to John Kerry and become Secretary of Commerce. Or help your illegitimate son, Elliot Spitzer, when he runs in 2008. Compared to you, he’s got charisma. Sure it’s fun to piss off Terry McAuliffe and Bill Richardson. Problem is, we’re trying to piss off Karl Rove here, and so far, you’ve made him the happiest man in the country other than the guy in the Enzyte commercials. There’s a reason Republicans want you in the race badder than Al Sharpton. If I was Ed Gillespie, I’d hold fundraising dinners for you. You promise you’ll grab as many Republicans as Democrats. Yeah, right. Republicans will cross over for you like Red Sox fans in the final game of the League Championship Series against the Yankees. Yes, Ralph, we know the American political process is way too money driven. But you’ll no sooner get money out of politics than porn out of cable. This is no time to quibble about campaign financing. Right now, we need some. We’ll take Microsoft money. We’ll take Heinz money. Let Jane Fonda do an infomercial. Make Michael Moore DNC Chairman. At this point, we have no problem with PAC money. Pac Ten, Pacman . . . whatever. Just so you know what we’re up against, the ice hasn’t even melted from the Rose Garden, and GW and friends have already raised the annual municipal budget of Houston. The federal deficit is directly proportional to the Bush war chest. In fact, they are the same thing. And where are you going to get your war chest--from wayward Deaniacs on the internet? Face it--you’ll sooner get invited to speak at Bob Jones University than get federal matching funds. Ralph, you’ve hit the nadir. You have reached your golden years only to lay an egg. To date, you’re doing a better job of destroying your own legacy late in life than Howard Hughes. Haven’t you done enough already? If you wanted to push the likes of Al Gore to the margins of American political life, consider yourself an unqualified success. When last spotted, Gore was endorsing Howard Dean and mulling regrowing the beard. The only real race is between you and your ego, and so far, you’re losing. Nader’s Raiders have become masturbators. If you want to do something positive, convince Ross Perot to run. But as for yourself, to quote another underdog named Ralph--this one Kramden--get out! Click here to rant back. |