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Euthanasia Bombers The New York Post reported recently that Palestinian terrorists are apparently recruiting fatally stricken or seriously ill people to become “martyrs.” The following document was recovered during a search and destroy mission in Jenin. Dear Patient: Greetings! The bad news is your tumor is inoperable. The good news is your best days are ahead of you. You are now eligible to join an elite corps of revolutionary fighters: the Euthanasia Bombers. Think about it: Chemotherapy is long and painful. Radiation does more harm than good. Experimental surgery is risky and could leave you without the power to walk, talk, or pull an ignition pin. Alternative treatments sound promising but are just selling false hope. Don’t bother getting a second opinion. We already took the liberty of getting one for you, and it doesn’t look good. The bottom line is this: How do you want to spend your final days—making a political statement the whole world will hear, or watching SpongeBob SquarePants in a hospice? Feeling down? We have just the cure. We are proud to say we offer the best euthanasia bombing plans available west of the Jordan. We offer the largest selection of detonation sites and family incentive packages of any terrorist organization. We have deals to die for. Jenin, Nablus, Haifa, Ramallah, Jerusalem, Tel Aviv—we will work closely with your funeral director to see that you get the assignment you want. We offer a scrumptious farewell meals-on-wheels package you won’t forget. Your send-off is guaranteed prime time coverage on CNN, Al-Jazeera, and at least one other major news network, or your named heirs receive the nifty tote bag shown below, no questions asked. Thinking of going with Hezbollah? Think again. We will beat any offer from Hezbollah, hands down. Go to Hezbollah, make your best deal, and bring it back to our encampment. We will beat it, or your loved ones get a gilded urn with President Arafat’s image embossed, sure to be a collector’s item soon. Group plans available. See our brochure. This opportunity will not last. Seventy virgins await you. But they won’t last either. So give the gift that keeps on giving. March or crawl into your nearest Hamas dealer today. We’re clearing inventory for the new year. EVERYONE MUST GO! “You’re going out anyway. Why not go out with a bang?” Sincerely, Your HMO (Hamas Medical Organization) Serving the greater Sinai Peninsula for over thirty years. Click here to rant back. |