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Suicide Watch From the hey-what-a-shame-they-killed-Jeffrey-Dahmer department comes the lament that accused killer Nikolay Soltys has hanged himself in his cell. Soltys, a Ukrainian immigrant, used a knife to murder six family members last year, including his pregnant wife and their three-year-old son. The prison cell is being treated as a crime scene, and the incident is under investigation by the Sacramento County Sheriff’s office. Soltys’ attorney, Tommy Clinkenbeard, called the incident “very suspicious” and added, “There’s something wrong here.” What’s wrong is the 161 days between September 5 and February 12 Nikolay Soltys failed to take his own life. Apparently, it wasn’t because he didn’t try. In October, he was placed on medical watch after puncturing his chest several times with a pencil. In December, he jumped off a balcony, landing him in a wheelchair but, as luck would have it, not a gravesite. If you want to investigate something, investigate who was in charge of sharpening the pencils at the Sacramento County jail. And what about the incompetent warden who put Soltys on the second floor instead of, say, the seventh? It’s almost impossible to die from a second story fall, unless you happen to land on a pencil. Truth is, the whole concept of a suicide watch is problematic. Here’s a guy who finally wants to do something right, and what does the state do? Install video surveillance equipment and assign a full time guard to keep him from doing it. Meanwhile, a block and a half beyond the prison walls, a former Enron employee lives in a cardboard box and holds up a sign reading “Will program in COBOL for food.” Times are tough. Money is tight. And obviously there are moral dilemmas regarding capital punishment. But in Nikolay Soltys we had someone dying to relieve us of all of that in one fell swoop of a bed sheet. It is high time US prison officials developed and implemented a “modified suicide watch.” Not for the average prisoner. Not for people who are simply mentally ill. Not even for your run-of-the-mill violent psychopath. A modified suicide watch is reserved for those prisoners whose crimes are so heinous, so barbaric, so unthinkable that saving the taxpayers two million dollars over the next 40 years seems almost besides the point. Are you listening, Andrea Yates? Guards, when you go to the bathroom, don’t just go to the bathroom. Read, damn it. Take the Sunday Times with you. Don’t just skim the book review of Tocqueville Between Two Worlds: The Making of a Political and Theoretical Life. Read for comprehension. When you do spend time with the prisoner, keep the conversation focused on the recession, the threat of nuclear attack, and the sweet relief that death brings. The rest of the prison staff has an important role to play as well. There should always be a fresh supply of linen on hand, and each cell must be equipped with an automatic sprinkler overhead, tested regularly for a minimum weight of 350 lbs. No prisoner on a modified suicide watch should ever be allowed to run out of razor blades. Cooking in the cell is absolutely permitted. The state generously provides each mass-murderer with a gas range, and a fresh set of Ginsu knives magically appears every Christmas. Conjugal visits are not permitted, except for the one on an inmate’s birthday from a morbidly obese drag queen. Summer reading lists include the works of Kafka, Nietzsche, and Sartre. Video tape rentals are limited to documentaries on the Kamikaze pilots of World War II. Mail is allowed only from Ted Kazynski and members of Al Qaeda. Perks for good behavior include a liter of grain alcohol, a vial of crack, and a warm bath and a radio. Religion is an important aspect of the modified suicide watch. But the Bible gives out mixed messages on the subject. I’m thinking . . . the Tibetan Book of the Dead. And please--no more drawn out probes of prison guards once the body is discovered. We’re not talking disciplinary action. We’re talking medal. And no lengthy, publicly funded review and analysis of the videotape. This ghastly, macabre visual record of the grisly act in question must be laid to rest where it belongs—on eBay. Though protests will undoubtedly come from the ACLU and a host of other misguided organizations, nothing that radical is being proposed. A modified suicide watch is really the same old suicide watch, with only the most subtle of differences: They commit suicide, we watch. Click here to rant back. |