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Over There The president says we’re going to the Moon and to Mars. No stupid idea left behind. What less can we expect from a commander-in-chief who chooses the State of the Union speech to address the use of steroids in pro sports? How come no mention of the ill-fated, two-day Britney Spears marriage? Yes, you heard right. The Moon--a five-year mission to go where someone else has gone before. And then it’s onward to answer two pressing questions: Is there life on Mars, and is there intelligence in the Oval Office? It’s too late for negotiations. Forget UN approval. Granted, so far there is no direct link between Mars and al Qaeda. But sources say Osama bin Laden is hiding in the desert. They never said which one. Not to worry. We don’t intend to annex Mars. We’ll leave as soon as they can govern themselves. The administration is hoping this will send a message to the rest of the solar system. Already we’re hearing overtures of capitulation from Pluto. Look for Neptune to allow inspection of their bioweapons program in the coming days. Poison gas may be found in Uranus. We do need a new location for Camp X-ray. Plus, Ann Coulter says anyone who doesn’t see the connection between exploration of Mars and our national security is guilty of treason. More Tang, fewer bodybags. It’s a win-win. The proposal will fuel some much needed debate in the House and Senate Science Committees. Can we maintain a substantial presence on both the Moon and Mars without jeopardizing our mission on either? Should we issue illegal Martians temporary work visas? How long before we develop a massive interplanetary trade deficit? Some folks will questions our priorities, preferring instead to send an unmanned flight to Compton. Look for surviving members of the Dead to drop into the Virginia primary any day now, as there is a growing consensus in this country that we need someone at the helm with real space experience. Truth is, we choose to do these things not because they are easy, but because they are a distraction. There is no more of a space race than there are WMDs in Tikrit. Yes, the British gave it a shot like Michael Jordan playing double-A baseball. But could any spacecraft called the Beagle really be successful? Who was the captain, Snoopy? You knew that thing was no more likely to be heard from again than Jimmy Hoffa. The British should stick to soccer, drinking, writing top notch pop songs, and helping the US overthrow rogue states. Tired of sending your tax dollars around the world? Now you can launch them into deep space. Thanks to the Spirit and Opportunity, we know there are indeed polar ice caps on Mars. Two more consecutive Republican administrations and they’ll be melting. In the 80s and 90s,we were just getting used to record amounts of corporate welfare. Now we’ve got buddy welfare, which would be fine if you and I golfed at Kennebunkport. I mean, haven’t Dick Cheney’s friends made enough money on this planet? Click here to rant back. |