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Shown Up I was not one of those Bush critics hoping for a low Iraqi voter turnout to embarrass Bush. I was a proud American hoping for a low Iraqi voter turnout to prevent embarrassing Americans. But we were, indeed, humiliated. Iraqi turnout hovered around 58 percent. Those are numbers we here in the States can surpass only during the final rounds of American Idol and certain key episodes of Gastineau Girls. In the 2004 presidential election, at our very best, we put up about the same numbers and took care to brag about Шлиссельбург экскурсии из Санкт-Петербурга на метеоре it. In years when we are merely electing a Congress, were lucky to get 45. Here in the democratic hotbed known as the United States, Ive shown up to vote in May primaries for appellate court judges and had to wake up the poll workers. Its been a tough year or so for the worlds last remaining superpower. First the Olympic basketball loss to Lithuania, now this. Sure, there were soft spots in the Iraqi election. Only five or ten people voted in Fallujah, but after the American assault on the city, thats around an 80 percent turnout. And the Sunnis still did a lot better than that Arab-American we call Ralph Nader. In fact, at 2 percent, voters in Anbar province didnt do much worse than folks in the US who have bowling league Tuesday nights. But before you people over in the cradle of civilization get too cocky, there are a few things you should remember. We here in the land of the free and the home of the brave have it harder than you think. Sure, you suffer attacks. But we suffer attack ads. Yes, you face car bombs. But we are bombarded with sleazy 527 spots and the third-rate ad agencies that put them together. While you face mortar shells, we face a relentless onslaught of cliché campaign literature, and at times, it is dispensed illegally, within 100 feet of the polling place. Where is the UN in our hour of need? Try getting yourself up off the couch from your favorite Seinfeld rerun to walk three blocks and cast a ballot. Then come talk to me. We must confront 60, 70, sometimes over 100 cable channels beckoning us to stay home with Happy Days marathons and plastic surgery reality shows. All you have is American Forces Radio and al Jazeera, and all they talk about is how unflappable you are. While you travel to the polling place with the luxury of a military escort, our sojourn to the voting booth is often a lonely affair in which we must find faith and comfort in our Land Rover LR3, SIRIUS satellite radio service, 4x10 woofers, and 5 CD changers. Granted, you encountered one of the most aggressive keep-in-thevote campaigns in memory. But as Jenny Craig, Susan Powter, and Suze Orman can readily testify, forbidden fruit is always sweeter. Dont forget, you guys enjoyed fair weather on election day. This past November 2, temperatures in our small town by the Delaware River plummeted to the low 50s. Lines at the polls were unbearable. Countless hundreds ran late to their tanning salons and reflexology appointments. Sure, you say, voting in the face of death threats requires courage. But where were the armed forces in this country to protect innocent voters from annoying exit polls and pushy ex-neighbors who think they are our friends because our kids used to use their pool? Truth is, we envy you. You have millions of freedom lovers all around the world cheering you on. We have Moby and Russell Simmons. You are comforted by noble thoughts of your place in history. We are lulled to sleep with ballots for faceless town solicitors and referendums on bond issues for spur road extensions. You get to write an entire constitution. We wrestle with whether to amend our Constitution to accommodate Arnold Schwarzenegger. The fact of the matter is, its easy now, while elections are still a novelty and the whole planet is watching. Wait a couple hundred years, when your two main parties and candidates meld into one amorphous, useless ball of political status quo in every respect but rhetoric. Well see then whether youre willing to surrender lunchtime at Hooters in the name of democracy. Rummy is rightwe do have a lot in common. Your 111 candidates gave us flashbacks of the 2003 California gubernatorial recall. We send absentee ballots to your country, and you send absentee ballots to ours. But dont get too cocky. No voters are more absent than our voters right here in the good old US of A, many of whom couldnt name their own congresswoman if you put her in the SI swimsuit issue. This fine sense of priorities has led to the evolution of one of the most sophisticated forms of representative government humankind has ever known. The citizen who shows up to vote, whether she knows it or not, is representing not only herself, but also two dudes who stayed home to watch American Chopper and eat Buffalo wings. We have a mass religion too. Its called consumerism. Our civic philosophy is put money in the machine and stuff comes out. If it doesnt come out, complain or kick the machine. You people are one of our machines too, and dont you forget it. This is not the first time we have created a monster. Anyone who has ever seen Ichiro Suzuki lash a single or voter turnout in the land of the rising sun knows the small fries can sometimes get too big for their britches. But, as you will learn, freedom must be won on a daily basis. Your future is still clouded by insurgents, tribalism, and an eventual coup detat by Diebold. Nonetheless, unlike most other Bush critics, I concede that something interesting is going on here. And though the meanswhich include misuse of intelligence, lying to the American public, undersizing and underequipping American armed forces, extorting reenlistment, and rapidly expanding the national debtare horrendous, the ends have their upside too. Now its on to Iran, North Korea, and the United Arab Emirates. Then one day, when the time is right, its on to Ohio. Click here to rant back. |