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Over Their Heads February is Black History Month. But did you know that January was Blame the Victim Month? Ward Churchill led the way by calling the 9/11 victims “military targets” and “little Eichmanns,” ironically prompting Ward Churchill himself to live in a glass booth of sorts. Meanwhile, in the realm of real Eichmanns, a bunch of oil-for-food scamming hypocrites over at the United Nations refused to show up for a few moments to honor the victims of the Nazi concentration camps. But perhaps the finest hour of Blame the Victims Month occurred the evening of January 5 on MSNBC’s Scarborough Country, where a panel of self-proclaimed experts on the fate of the universe debated why the tsunami occurred. Pontificating above the din was a middle-aged woman named Jennifer Giroux, director of Women Influencing the Nation, who looked dead into the camera and explained that God sent the tsunami to punish thousands of poor Indonesian, Tai, and Sri Lankan children for the general sins of mankind and the mediocre box office performance in those countries of The Passion of the Christ. Forget Desperate Housewives. This is what I call obscene. Tipper Gore should slap a warning label on Jennifer Giroux’s forehead. Bring Michael Powell back to fine MSNBC for exposing a boob. I haven’t felt so nauseous since Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell blamed 9/11 on gays. While no one gave India fair warning about the tsunami, my cable guide failed to give me fair warning about the Giroux lady. Hey, Giroux—Sandra Bullock’s got more heart in her fingernail than you have in your whole 4,700 square foot McMansion. So open your checkbook and shut your mouth. The Asians got the tsunami, but it’s the amateur metaphysicists who are in over their heads. They know as much about cosmic cause and effect as Prince Harry knows about the holocaust. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Zero knowledge is an embarrassment. You, Fraulein Giroux, are a philosophical terrorist, butchering theology and reason till there’s nothing left but a finger pointed at the innocent. Step aside, David Hume—here comes some bored homemaker with a two-year degree in macramé. Jennifer Giroux is making waves, and as it turns out, they’re more deadly than the ones in the Indian Ocean. There’s nothing like some bogus karmic theory to free the lazy and selfish of any responsibility to help. Stop worrying about Starbucks and porn flicks. Jennifer Giroux is the reason they hate us. The greatest minds the world has ever known lived and died asking “why?” Now, finally, in the year 2005, on a struggling basic cable channel, someone has all the answers. Regarding these terrible, unexplainable, unfathomable matters, bishops, rabbis, and Dalai Lamas remain respectfully silent. But suburban soccer moms on Zoloft know the score. Yes, it is the reluctance of media outlets in South and Southeast Asia to carry The 700 Club that has countless six-year-old Tai boys in sexual slavery today. I’m getting that warm fuzzy feeling right about now—the feeling that comes with ultimate justice. Though I’m no Jennifer Giroux, I know a little about cause and effect. In civil engineering, we design according to safety factors, because hundreds of years of Newtonian physics combined with countless field tests have taught us that in the world, there is a large, built-in uncertainty, even in a section of carbon steel formed to a tolerance of 1/32 of an inch and installed in a climate-controlled habitat. Molecules, atoms, and subparticles exist in a world of probability rather than absolutes. Fortunately, Ms. Giroux, you possess the formidable intellect to cut through all that and get to the essence of the matter—that legalized prostitution in Las Vegas caused a mass drowning in Indonesia. Meanwhile, Marc Rich is a free man. I hear Ron Artest emerged virtually unscathed from this disaster. OJ, Robert Blake, Jayson Williams, Robert Durst—they’re all doing fine. And how about Osama bin Laden? Did he clean up his act, or was he just lucky? Inquiring minds want to know. As for Jennifer Giroux, the world mourns the fact she wasn’t vacationing at the Kani Club Med. She has a bright future ahead of her—one that includes studying plate tectonics at Caltech and waiting patiently for the next 8.0 to hit LA. That should be a good one. There will be more graves to dance on and another 15 minutes of late night cable fame. On that fateful day, those of us with a brain not crushed by fallen concrete or decapitated by snapped cables will be calling in from the rubble on our cells to explain to you one more time, Jenny—the San Andreas Fault is nobody’s fault. But you’re right about one thing, Jen—natural disasters are a test. They are a test to see if stupid people will give in to the temptation to say stupid things. You fail. Click here to rant back. |