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Not Too Swift Some fights are won just by luring the other party into battle. In an irony that is surely not lost on the Vietcong who lived to see it, a bunch of American swift boat veterans are sailing upstream trying to draw fire from the Kerry-Edwards camp. What was a risky and sometimes questionable tactic 35 years ago in Southeast Asia has turned around the 2004 war for the US presidency. In only a few short weeks, the issue has gone from exactly how far George W. Bush went to avoid combat to precisely how deep shrapnel penetrated John Kerry’s rear end. One thing is certain—George W. Bush has proven to be the bigger pain in the ass. Sure, the Swift Boat Veterans for the Truth as Seen Through a Hail of Bullets claim they are acting independently. But following the money will quickly show you that GW had no connection to the swift boat ads like John Gotti had no connection to the threats made against members of his jury. Unfortunately, McCain-Feingold has been as effective at cleaning up campaign finance as the Olympics have been at jumpstarting the Greek economy. The 527s are basically Viagra for soft money, and they will stay hard till November 2. In the swamp that is American politics, this particular scam proved to be seaworthy. As far as putting yourself in harm’s way goes, the difference between John Kerry and George W. Bush is the difference between the Mekong Delta and Delta House. This whole episode feels like Vanilla Ice taking pot shots at Eminem. Regardless of whether John Kerry exaggerated the atrocities committed in South Vietnam, atrocities are being committed today on American soil by Fox News, MSNBC, and a host of other not too swift media outlets. A reasonable person may ask what possible relation does tossing a grenade into a mound of rice have to reforming the tax code? What conceivable connection does napalming a village have to running FEMA? Some friends are starting their own 527—Veterans and Non-Veterans Sick and Tired of Listening to Old War Stories While America of 2004 Goes Down the Tubes. Donations are tax-deductible. If we all pitch in a buck or two, maybe the Discovery Channel can bump back the Power Juicer infomercial so we can run a 30-second spot after two AM on a Sunday. All this leaves us wondering exactly what it is we are supposed to want in a leader of the free world. It can’t be simply military service. It can’t be merely hazardous military service. It can’t be a Purple Heart for a superficial wound. It can’t be severe wounds, because as the 2002 senatorial race in Georgia taught us, three limbs lost is at least one too few. To his credit, Max Cleland has used his remaining limb to give Bush the finger. But with Cleland as with everyone else who served honorably—even if they made unthinkable sacrifices—what’s missing is what’s still there. As it turns out, the best candidate is a dead candidate. If you’ve come home alive, you have some explaining to do. If your wound wasn’t mortal, some sort of cowardice was involved. Fighting but surviving is perhaps the most egregious form of waffling, and we don’t need presidential candidates spending the rest of their natural lives discussing why they still have a pulse. Besides, dead soldiers don’t throw away their medals. Amend the Constitution—the President shall be 35, native, and deceased. And while we refuse to pay our fighting men and women adequately or even provide them with Kevlar vests, let’s at least give our fallen heroes a death benefit to write home about. If in death they live up to their Oval Office potential, we’ll smack them up on Rushmore before their first term is out. There will be benefits for the rest of us too. No longwinded, canned press conferences. More concise debates. Briefings will be briefer. We’ll combine Memorial Day and President’s Day. And most importantly, we the American people will enjoy the kind of strong leadership that comes from the unconditional trust and reverence reserved strictly for folks who have bought the farm. It worked for Lenin. There will, however, be exceptions and exclusions. Near death experiences don’t count. Don’t tell us what it’s like on the other side—stay there and govern, damn it. The only place near should count in a presidential contest is the Florida Electoral College. And please, no candidates who perished by friendly fire. They can be VP. The VP will assume the duties of the Commander-in-Chief only if the latter, tragically, is resurrected. And positively no Chief Executive who takes days or even hours to die from his wounds. It’s called a blaze of glory for a reason. Click here to rant back. |