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Shot in the Dark The Kerry campaign aimed at the sky last week and shot itself in the foot. With less than two weeks left in the most pivotal election anyone with hair can remember, Senator Kerry took a day out of his busy campaign schedule to blow holes in a flock of geese his advisers say crossed the border illegally and were potential threats to our national security. Pundits called it the stupidest campaign ploy since John Kerry wore a leather jacket and rode a Harley onto the stage of the Tonight Show. In this era of combat-dodging commanders-in-chief donning jumpsuits and landing on carriers, enough is never enough. Accordingly, several ambitious strategies to reach out to the opponent’s constituency—or no one’s constituency—are on the drawing board. In an effort to make last-minute inroads into the backwoods of Kentucky, West Virginia, and Louisiana, planning is underway for a Kerry appearance on COPS as a beer-swilling, tank top clad domestic abuser spread eagle on the hood of a patrol car. Also in the works for the senator is an explicit sex video with Paris Hilton as part of a desperate attempt to win the support of white twenty-something slacker heiresses and their unemployed actor boyfriends. Meanwhile, a pander-thon is scheduled for the final weekend before the election, during which the senator will march with the Klan, carouse with skinheads, and deliver moonshine to inbred cousins out of the back of a pickup truck. Not to be outdone, George W. Bush is set to march in the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade. All such events are subject to intense scrutiny from the candidate’s brain trust. In the critical hours leading up to the goose hunt, there was heated debate over whether to put John Kerry in a “Fur is Murder” t-shirt as a consolation to animal rights activists. In the end, a Solomonic compromise was reached—the senator would not use the geese to test cosmetics. Also on the table was a last wish from Christopher Reeve requesting that the geese be dissected for stem cell research. Kerry later admitted he had misgivings about the expedition and is preparing to testify before Congress in the coming days. A transcript of his testimony, leaked to PETA, claims atrocities—including the cutting off of wings, gutting, stuffing, and basting—have become commonplace in rural Ohio. Furthermore, Kerry says he and thousands of other fake hunters and casual paintball players no longer believe the fight against geese is winnable, calling it the wrong PR stunt at the wrong time. Meanwhile, Fowl Hunters for the Truth claim Kerry did not make a direct hit and fled the scene when blood and down began to fly. One new ad contends Kerry was never actually in Youngstown, Ohio in October of 2004. Still, Veterans of the Kerry Goose Hunt claim the senator acted bravely in the face of overwhelming bird crap. Apparently, friendly fire grazed John Kerry’s rear end. Sources say the senator has applied for a ribbon he can throw away. Fallout from the goose hunt has carried over to the last full week before the election. Ironically, members of his own party are criticizing the senator for not going in with the backing of American allies. Intelligence reports say many of the geese fled to neighboring Pennsylvania, where they are planning future attacks. Ohio politician Denis Kucinich, commenting on the skirmish in his own backyard, asserted that no matter how many geese we kill, they can always recruit more, adding that the real question is why the geese hate us so much. Of course, there are those who find something unseemly about repackaging the public persona of a sexagenarian with barely a fortnight to go in a national election. Extreme makeovers, they argue, are better left to portly middle-aged security moms looking to score with the gardener. I’m sure if you asked Mary Cheney, she would tell you presidential candidates should be who they were born to be, or at least who their congressional record says they are. Moreover, if this sitting president can’t be made a lame duck based on his record, the Kerry camp should stay in the woods of Youngstown. You see, not too long ago, George W. Bush also went on a hunting expedition. Unfortunately, WMDs weren’t in season. And so, the Bush team went fishing for explanations. Strangely, about 46 percent of the voting public swallowed them hook, line, and sinker. So here is a survival tip for John Kerry: If you’re going to hunt, hunt elephants. Click here to rant back. |